Causeless Unwillingness
For years (actually, since I've started practicing mettā), I’ve been struggling with causeless unwillingness to perform sādhana. Regardless of my repeated spiritual experiences and altered states of consciousness, my mind was struggling to start the mettā chanting. I find myself unable to memorize or take a snapshot of my altered states of consciousness, induced by my mettā, which would serve me as a reminder of happiness.
Maybe this is so because the happiness of mettā is not some material happiness, which dwells on a mental platform and is fueled by some temporary sense impressions. I think the happiness in mettā chanting is spiritual from the very start. Maybe we can’t perceive this at the beginning of our sādhana, while the happiness is getting mixed with our pain, suffering, and impurities of the mind.
Instead of relying on some memory of spiritual experience, my altered state of being and happiness serves as a better sort of reminder to perform more mettā. Now I think that memories cannot be spiritual. They cannot be turned into spiritual because they are intrinsically material. We should instead listen to that intuitive push of conscience which urges us to make spiritual advancement.
As we progress on the path, we get more in harmony with our intuition, and then, performing sādhana becomes easier. This is the cure for causeless unwillingness.
It’s easy to understand why the mind doesn’t like sādhana. Mental purification is not a very pleasant thing. It’s actually more painful than ordinary life. In sādhana, we get more in contact with our suffering. We feel the pain more vividly. The mind doesn’t like that. He likes things which are immediately pleasant – like sense gratification or enjoying some pleasant ideas. That’s why spiritual life requires from us discipline and the use of our intelligence. We should think: “I will do this unpleasant, daunting sādhana so that I get spiritual advancement and reduce my suffering. Bliss will come gradually, as I advance.”